Disgruntled Best-Selling Fiction Reader…

Posted on 06. May, 2010 by annie in Notebook, Uncategorized

I couldn’t sleep last night. I tossed and turned in my bunk until well past 5 a.m. I tried to read myself to sleep with “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” but it only added to my frustrated state. I found that I kept getting angry with the book’s protagonist, Mikael Blomkvist. It was the same type of anger that I experienced while reading the beginnings of “The Lost Symbol” and the Twilight series, both of which I abandoned.

But I had a revelation about each of the protagonists in these novels last night…

If you’re not genuinely kind or don’t have a self-deprecating sense of humor, I don’t want to know you.

They say that life is a series of peering into other’s faces, searching for a reflection of yourself. You tend to resonate with people who are similar to you. And I don’t see a shred of myself in Robert Langdon, Mikael Blomkvist, or Bella Swan. First off, I’d argue that none of them have a sense of humor. On top of that, Blomkvist is just an A-hole. (I may use the term “A-hole” quite a bit in this blog.) For example, in Dragon Tattoo, Blomkvist runs into an old friend. He says things to himself like, “I started wondering why we were ever friends at all” which has no bearing on the plot, it’s just an A-hole type of thing to say. As this friend is recounting a story, Blomkvist interjects with “Get to the point.” What? Really? I don’t know anyone who would say something like that, particularly an old friend. And if they said that to me, I’d never want to talk to them again. How can I get invested in a book with a protagonist like this???

Here’s the problem…

Authors create super-hero versions of themselves… And they’re all A-holes.

Take Langdon and Blomkvist. Both are “boyishly handsome,” even though they’re both approaching 60. Both have a string of convenient lovers to whom they have no real emotional attachment. They’re both described as having “a way with women.” Blomkvist is in a relationship with a married woman who’s husband allows her to sleep at Blomkvist’s house on the weekends. Uh huh. I don’t think so. And both characters randomly are experienced in what the authors must perceive to be expensive, elite hobbies. Like yachting. Or olympic swimming. Or having been the bass player in a band that actually got some radio play in the 70’s. Gimme a break. I’m so sick of these authors living their dreams through their ridiculous characters. Especially since they all keep turing out to be A-holes.

But what really gets me…

When the hell do these people eat?

If I have to read another line about someone “absentmindedly pushing food around on his/her plate” I’m gonna smack someone with a pie in the face. It seems like all these people do is drink coffee. They’re always too upset to eat, in too much of hurry, or whatever other excuse the author can come up with to keep these characters positively gaunt. Bella Swan, a typical anorexic, is forever concerning herself with the nutritional needs of others and “forgetting” to feed herself. Just another case of an author filling gaping plot holes with the conveniently conjured-up talents of the protagonist. I never had a problem with the vampires. That was perfectly believable to me. What wasn’t believable was that Bella was randomly little miss teen Top Chef, a tidbit that was thrown in along with the equally unbelievable absentee mother whom Bella apparently cooked for from the age of 3.

After having read the contents of this blog, I’ve come to a disturbing conclusion…

I might actually be an A-hole too…

So it looks like I’m having some tolerance issues with people with whom I can’t identify. And that’s an A-hole issue. But at least I can admit that I have a problem, unlike some of these protagonists. I’d like to think that I have a self-deprecating sense of humor and that I’m generally very kind. I just can’t get past the issue of WHY these authors seem to think that people like Blomkvist, Langdon, and Swan are heroes. I think Bella Swan is one of the most boring characters on the planet. I think the author had to make Bella’s super-power the ability to block people from reading her mind because there’s nothing particularly interesting IN her mind to read. Now I would never tell that to her face. But I will write it in a blog, A-hole style. Hmm…

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16 Responses to “Disgruntled Best-Selling Fiction Reader…”

Krista

06. May, 2010

Annie dear…you are FAR from an A-hole! Granted, this blog was written probably when you were extremely frustrated with not being able to go to sleep last night! I guess anyone can come across as an A-hole then…but from what I know of you, you aren’t one! I haven’t read the first two books you mentioned, but I have read Twilight (all 4 books) and will have to agree with you…Bella is slightly boring…the wolves and vampires kept me interested in those books! See you in Alpharetta (Asheville, Raleigh and Savannah too)!!!
Sean

06. May, 2010

What an A-hole!

Just kidding.

Thankfully (I think), I haven’t read any of those books. I downloaded the sample of Dragon Tattoo to my Kindle and started reading it because it’s apparently a big deal, but I couldn’t get into it enough to actually buy it.

So, tell us what books you *do* like. Sans A-holes.
Sarah

06. May, 2010

Nah, you aren’t an A-Hole. We all have those moments where we judge things. I do it everyday…wait, maybe I’m an A-hole. Ya know what, Annie?…Maybe we are A-holes…but we’re nice about it. (its a southern thing if you ask me. ) We’re not the type of A-holes that people write blogs about, which in my mind, is probably a good thing. HaHa. Gotta say, your blogs are insanely entertaining, thanks for a great read. (Also, thanks for showing me that I can use the term A-Hole, multiple times in one comment. )
Alisha

06. May, 2010

oooo Annie I loved this while reading the whole Coffee thing made me thing of those lame Danielle Steel novels and how those love stories NEVER really could happen the way they do happen. Hmmmmm now you have me thinking what kind of books can I introduce Annie to How about Fablehaven have you ever heard of that book its kinda Harry Potterish?
George Handlin

06. May, 2010

I agree with your comment about resonating with people that are like you which is not an A-hole problem at all! In fact, if you think about it, it’s a great thing because then you don’t have to worry so much about being around A-hole people because not only will you not want to be around them, they won’t want to be around you either!
Natalie

06. May, 2010

You aren’t an A-hole…trust me I know A-holes. I totally agree with you 100%! First of all when I read the Twilight series Bella’s character is not what kept my reading drive going….it was the vampires. Bella Swan is not much of a character, she doesn’t evolve at all throughout the series. The other two characters I don’t know ’cause I haven’t read the books but by the little you’ve stated they don’t seem like they come from books that interst me. Being an avid reader I tend to like the books that I can relate to the characters. Like you said a sense of humor is pretty much crucial in my book. Have you read any Jodi Picoult novels…they’re really good, very realistic books, kind of sad though. I don’t tend to relate much with the characters but her writing style is amazing. I reccoment Sunday’s At Tiffany’s by James Patterson…really good book!
Rennie Araucto

06. May, 2010

You’ve put a voice to my own feelings on the matter. Why do i so completely dislike Bella? Cause I’m intolerant of wimpy characters that I can’t identify in some manner. Whether your an A-hole or a weenie, I need to identify with you… And you need to be redeemable in some manner.

I can handle characters that aren’t like me. But if they are “A-Holes” with no redemptive qualities then I’ll ditch the book.

Thanks for the insight. Wanted to read “….Dragon Tattoo”, but now I’m wondering if I should take the time.
Ann S

06. May, 2010

LMAO- You rock. The entire time I was reading this blog the phrases “Yep”, “You go girl” and “Amen, sister” kept popping into my head, along with a a couple little giggles (agreement to statement). =) Rock on!!!
Melissa

06. May, 2010

Funny…I think I may be an A-Hole too
teresa

06. May, 2010

Annie, I hope that your day is going better. If it’s any consolation to you, I had to be at work before five o’clock this morning.

Sometimes, an afternoon nap is a wonderful thing (even just a short one), if you can work it into your schedule. Take care and keep rockin’!

~teresa